I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
