the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
