Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
