The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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