So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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