I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
