My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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