Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
