you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also, beer. Big fan.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
