come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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