Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Duck Duck Cougar?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
