Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
