Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
