Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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