I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
