Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
