kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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