Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
