My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
