I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
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I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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