advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
