my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
