WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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