I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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