I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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