We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
