There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
