my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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