Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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