if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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