So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
