Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
