Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
