Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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