I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
from now on my penis is your penis
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
