Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
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last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
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I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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