Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
