True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
