Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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