I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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