I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
