I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
