You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
