Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
