I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
