even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?