one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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