I wish I could punch you in the face.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
