I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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