There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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