ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
