I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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