They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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