Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
