I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
