I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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