Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
