Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
