I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
