The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
